


Everything I didn't say.

by offgunpointe



Category: Haikyuu!!, anime - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, High School, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:35:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29606043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/offgunpointe/pseuds/offgunpointe
Summary: What Kenma felt for Kuroo was completely one-sided, end of story.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Everything I didn't say.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello some of the scenarios may not be Canon, thank you for understanding. 
> 
> This fic is inspired by the song Everything I didn't say by 5sos :))
> 
> Please excuse any grammatical errors that I might have missed from editing.

Looking back has never helped anyone, and one thing Kenma has learned over the years is that he has to keep moving forward, but on that day, December 16, 2009, looking back was something he didn’t regret.

Not even at all.

* * *

****December 16, 2009** **

****

“Class please behave, as you all already know we are not the only school visiting this science museum today” Their homeroom teacher sighs, trying to catch his classmates' attention. Kenma looks around, shaking his head towards his loud classmates. At this point, he’s not even going to be surprised if they’re getting a warning from the staff of the museum itself, that’s just how loud they are getting, well no him, but what’s the difference, really. 

He’s really glad that he would be able to transfer next school year as he enters high school. Maybe by that, he wouldn’t have any problem with people like this, annoying and too much. He sighs, slumping his shoulders as he looks down at the ground. 

The line doesn’t seem to move fast towards the entrance of the mini planetarium that they are about to go to. On the outside, it looks like a small bubble, but on the inside, he heard that there would be a kind of simulation that will make them see the outer space, he’s not really that excited to go in, being pressed against other people, just to see a sight he couldn’t care less about, especially now that the internet is easily accessible, he could just search for this.

He takes another step forward when the guy in front of him moved. He looks up to the little bubble, tent-like place that they are about to go into, there is no way in hell they would all fit in that because along with their batch there seem to be two other batches from other schools that are going in with them and from what he observed there are also people who are older than them, making him squeamish. He couldn’t handle this many people at the same time, let alone people who are already in high school. 

People that are obnoxiously loud and unapologetic about it.

He puts his hand in his pocket, tempted to pull out his game to have something to keep him busy while waiting, when he heard someone laugh out loud. The kind of laugh that will get people’s attention from afar. This is exactly what he was thinking about.

Loud and annoying people.

He tried to ignore it but the person just laughed once more, this time louder. He looks back, prepared to glare at that loud someone, only to see a dark-haired boy clutching his stomach laughing at something. For a moment he forgot why he wants to shoot daggers at this person. In all honesty, the way the boy laughed while closing his eyes, made him want to join too, which is completely creepy and out of the box for him to do, but there’s just something about how the boy almost cries out from laughing that looks so inviting to Kenma. 

It’s not too long when the person next to him clears his throat, pointing towards the line in front of them, from observing the boy from behind he didn’t realize that the line has already moved forward a couple of steps ahead. He forced a smile towards the guy behind him, silently apologizing for the disturbance, before he scratches the back of his neck, looking towards the ground. 

“Sorry” he whispers, hoping the guy would hear before he takes a step not towards the front but towards the side which surprises him more than anyone. 

Kenma is not the one to look back, in fact, one thing he learned is that he has to keep moving forward, but right now for some unknown reason, he’s taking a step backwards, towards the end of the line and away from the people he knows. 

This is all firsts for him, but as he racks his brain there seems to be no regret crossing his mind as he tries to mindlessly squeeze himself back into the line, but this time in front of the dark-haired boy. Crossing his fingers to not get called out about it.

Thankfully the guy is too busy teasing his friends and looking back to notice him cutting the line, plus, if you really think about it, he is not really cutting the line if he used to stand a few steps ahead, but he’s not sure if that’s a logical excuse.

_“It is still the same quantity of people in front of this guy, so really nothing’s changed,”_ He thought to himself, trying to justify his actions before he heard the guy speak. 

“Hey,” The guys said, dragging the “e”, as if confused on why the boy in front of him changed, making Kenma looked down at his feet, hoping the guy would just let it be because if they would ask Kenma why he moved down the line he wouldn’t have an answer, because even he himself doesn’t know exactly why. 

What? Would it be okay for him to say that he felt too compelled with this boy that he went out of his way and separated himself from his batch only to be next to this guy?

Would it be okay for him to say that after seeing the guy he felt the need to be close to him? 

Would it be okay to say out loud that he finds the guy really cute and that his mind went on to a lot of things that convince him that maybe this is a great idea?

Would it be okay to admit that there’s just this pull that he can’t just ignore?

He could only wonder as he could feel the guy’s gaze at the back of his neck before he heard someone from the back speak. 

“Hey Kuroo, what’s with the?”

“Shut your trap, Yaku” The dark-haired boy answered, cutting off the person speaking. 

Kenma couldn’t help but smile at that, _“Kuroo, huh, his name got a nice ring to it”_ he thought, before noticing that the line seem to move forward faster than before.

* * *

Kenma clasps his hands together after a couple of minutes sitting on the floor next to the guy he barely knows but at the same time comfortable with. As they enter the planetarium, he didn’t even bother going back to his classmates as he settles down next to the boy, Kuroo. Kuroo sits comfortably, leaning his figure towards his arms, unlike him who’s fidgeting on his spot.

The place is cramped, seeing how the tent-like space was too small for the number of people that went in, and because of that, he could feel Kuroo’s leg slightly grazing his, making him even more nervous. If he wasn’t just too much into his head, he would have noticed how pretty the ceiling of the dome looks. Showing different planets and other rocks that he couldn’t possibly name. Though the simulation looks kinda cheap, which was expected from a school trip, he still couldn’t get a hold of his heart.

In comparison to how fast the planets travel into space, his breath seems to be in second place.

Well, that’s what it feels like at least.

The program started with one of the staff explaining what they would see and how to behave inside this compact space, which is pretty given. After a couple of minutes of waiting, he finally heard the guy beside him talk once more.

“You know it really baffles me how we don’t even compare on how vast the outer space is, like the fact that we wouldn’t be able to discover anything more than what’s in our vicinity is wild, because compared to infinity that’s a lot,” Kuroo said nonchalantly, looking up at the simulation of space above them.

He was about to ignore it, thinking that Kuroo might have been talking to someone else, because, come on, they don’t even know each other, but that’s until he felt Kuroo’s eyes on him, forcing him to look up, only to be welcomed with a pair of kind eyes already looking at him. Making him feel the heat rush towards his ears.

This is something he hasn’t felt before and it felt kinda nice.

Kuroo smiled at him, “We seem so small” he added before he turns his attention back to the program as they heard the host talk once again. Explaining the milky way and all that shit, but Kenma’s mind is nowhere near the universe.

He feels so out of place but it doesn’t exactly feels bad. 

He gulps as he saw pretty colors reflecting towards them, he hugs his knees closer to him before breathing out quietly.

This is nice.

Maybe, just, maybe this is something he couldn’t just search from the internet.

Though, he is fully aware that like all those crushes you get while visiting the mall or when you ride the train, this is the last time he will see the boy sitting close to him.

Somehow it’s nowhere near enough for him.

* * *

****August 08, 2010** **

“Kozume Kenma?” Coach Manabu asks, looking through the line of kids about to try out for the volleyball team of his new school, Nekoma. He just transferred, thinking that it will be best for him to try new things now that he’s in high school, and apparently one of those things is volleyball. 

It’s not like he really wants to join, but his mom will pester him to death if he didn’t try for any sports team this year, saying that he spends most of his time with his games and how bad it is for his health and, to be honest, he is kind of tired of it. Luckily for him, the volleyball tryouts are nowhere near over, so he figures maybe if went and not get in, he could tell his mom that he at least tried. 

He took a deep breath before he raises his hand, ‘Here’, ignoring the looks from other boys in line. God, could this get more awkward? He tried to calm himself, saying that he shouldn’t worry about it, after today he would probably never see most of these people as frequently, he thought before the door towards the gym opens, at first he couldn’t care less about whatever it is, plus the light from the outside blinded them for a moment, but when a familiar figure jogged towards them, his heart skipped a beat. 

It’s him. 

The guy whom he almost forgot about. 

The guy from the planetarium. 

Kenma tried to rack his brain for his name but he couldn’t seem to remember, he’s surprised to even recall the guy’s face after all, but who would forget such warm energy, right?

“Coach I am so sorry, I was about to get here thirty minutes earlier but there was this cat that was stuck on thi-’ The guy tried to explain while catching his uneven breath before the coach interrupted him. 

“This is Kuroo Tetsurou,’ Coach Manabu introduced. 

_Kuroo, yeah that’s his name. Huh, his name got a nice ring to it._

“Even though he is currently just a second year, unfortunately he will be your Captain and we should all just hope that he wouldn’t be late again” Coach Manabu continues, jokingly, earning a few chuckles from others, but Kenma’s eyes couldn’t seem to leave the guy smirking in front of them, standing tall like a true captain. 

“But kidding aside, this kid right here has a lot of potential, that’s why you all should try your best too” 

And with that, the tryouts started, with Kenma trying to exert even more effort than he intended to give because right now there are apparently more reasons as to why he should. 

And for the first time, it’s not his parents. 

As soon as the tryouts ended he slouched against the wall of the gym by the corner where everyone is gathered, trying to catch their breaths. He’s not sure if there’s a chance for him to be on the team but now that he’s invested, maybe it’s not too bad after all.

His hopes are raised too, which is so much unlike him. 

“Not bad, Kenma right?” A guy with short black hair approached him, reaching his hand towards him. He nodded, trying not to freak out by the sudden conversation, before he reached out his own hands, accepting the handshake. “I’m Shōhei Fukunaga by the way’ the guy said, smiling, before sitting beside him and drinking from his water bottle. 

“What team were you in before?” Fukunaga asks, wiping his sweat from his forehead. 

“This would be my first-time” Kenma admitted, seeing Fukunaga’s eyes widen. 

“What? You just decided one day? What convinced you?” The other asks, which felt very awkward for Kenma to answer a stranger who just start asking him things out of the blue but he decided to just let it go. 

Kenma shrugs, his eyes on the one with the number one jersey that is trying to deliberate with their coach and advisors. “Just reasons,” He said quietly, observing how serious Kuroo looks while checking boxes on his list, making Kenma wonder if his name would cross Kuroo’s mind. 

Or if he remembers him at all. 

From what it looks like from earlier, it doesn’t seem like Kuroo does, which felt kind of unfair. Unfair for him to live inside Kenma’s mind while Kenma was just a random face for Kuroo. 

A random stranger.

A forgettable small talk.

It didn’t take long before they heard a whistle, asking for everyone’s attention before the room went quiet. 

“Thank you all for trying out today, we appreciate you guys’ efforts. Now you can all go home, the final list would be posted tomorrow after the final deliberation. That’s it for today, be safe on your way home” With that the coach turns around and everyone was scattering, looking for their belongings, before finally going home. 

As soon as Kenma steps foot outside of the gym, that’s the only time he realized that it’s dark out, this might be the latest he spent outside of the comfort of his room. He shook his head, gripping the strap of his bag, adjusting it to a more comfortable place across his body before he starts walking to go home. 

The night seems quiet, there’s not a lot of people around this time, maybe this neighborhood isn’t as bad as he thought. He decided to go to Nekoma when he heard that they are moving into a house a little close to it, thinking that it will save him a lot of effort and that he wouldn’t wait for too long in traffic to play grand chase. This time he could just walk his way home, though, it seems like he’s not the only one who’s planning to walk home. 

He looks beside him on the sidewalk, only to see the one guy who wouldn’t leave his mind.

Kuroo cleared his throat, “Hi” he smiled at Kenma before continuing, “Are you from around here too?” He asks. 

Kenma panicked a little, not knowing what to say even though a simple yes would have been perfect, “Ah, yeah, you too?” He said quietly, trying not to sound so eager as he answers, realizing that this is his first words to Kuroo. 

Wow, now he’s even keeping tracks on how much he talks to a guy, he must have gone insane. 

Kuroo nods enthusiastically, “That’s great then, we can walk home together” Kenma whips his head towards Kuroo who’s now scratching the back of his head. “I mean if you want to, I guess, I’m sorry I got too excited for a moment” Kuroo chuckles. 

_Of course, I want to, are you kidding me?_ He thought, but he doesn’t gather enough courage to say out loud.

“It’s fine” He answered, that’s if he will get a chance to join the team, if not, then he would go home much earlier than Kuroo. Damn it, now he’s even hoping to be on a club that would hinder him from getting home early to play games and avoid people, yup, he is indeed, insane. 

“You were pretty good earlier,” Kuroo started, trying to fill the awkward air, “I think we’ll get to see each other more often from now on” He suddenly says, wiggling his eyebrows at Kenma suggestively.

_So he has a chance?_

He didn’t answer, he didn’t know what else to say, as tries not to grin too much, and before he even knows it, he’s already in front of the block leading to his house. 

“Uhm,” He started, catching Kuroo’s attention. “This is me,” He said, scratching the back of his neck. 

“Oh okay, Bye! See you!” Kuroo said finally before they both went on their ways but Kenma seems to forget his right mind with Kuroo because as he plops down his bed, he didn’t even bother opening his PlayStation as he stares at the ceiling, with Kuroo’s Jersey number in mind. 

* * *

****“06 Kozume, Kenma”**** Kenma stares at his name on the bottom of the list, who would have thought that he would get in a volleyball club in high school, not him, that’s for sure. 

“We have a lot of promising first years, this year,” Someone approaching said, he looks back to see the second years walking their way towards the list that he was staring at. 

“Yeah, I remember when we tried out, we were such a mess” 

“That was just you, Nobuyuki, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” The other one said, earning a laugh from Kuroo. 

“Speaking of promising, here’s one, congratulations Kozume, you’re one of the strays now,” The same guy said, smiling at him, “I’m Yaku” he continues when Kenma looks lost and confused for a split second. Kenma nodded, acknowledging the introduction before looking down at the ground, taking a step away from the board to make room for his upperclassmen. 

He turns around, planning on heading back to his classroom before he heard Kuroo speak, “Welcome to the team” he looks back to see Kuroo smiling at him with the same warmth as it has always been. Making him feel that he knew Kuroo from Day 1.

He smiles back, nodding his head before putting his hand inside his pockets, walking (almost skipping) towards the classroom. 

He scoffs, taking his respective seat in class, he wasn’t informed that his heart is athletic too, it seems to be doing cartwheels more often these days and there’s no sign of it stopping anytime soon.

* * *

****November 09, 2010** **

****

Days turn into weeks and weeks into months and Kenma already developed a love and hate relationship with volleyball. 

One thing that really irks him is sweat, it’s the main reason he doesn’t want to be active in the first place, and as expected it’s one of the first things that welcomes him every afternoon when they start training and not just that, he also has to wake up extra early for their morning jog, which he hates so much because he couldn’t spend all night playing video games like before. 

He also hates when his teammates, especially Lev, become touchy and clingy, without getting fazed by his glares and sometimes his elbow meeting his stomach. But all of these are just a little price to pay for the things that he loves doing. 

He loves that his mom completely got off his back after seeing how tired he is every night that he could barely play his games, or how happy she is thinking that he’s making friends. 

Kenma doesn’t know if friends are what he’ll call these new people in his life, though, he’s too tired to argue anymore. 

He also loves that he doesn’t have to walk home alone, he loves how the night sky seems to favor Kuroo, reflecting its beauty towards the guy each night. 

He loves how he could spend time with the guy he’s been thinking of. Who wouldn’t like it when their crush spends half of their day with them right? 

Yes, after months he finally admitted to himself that this is not just mere admiration and what he’s feeling has progressed into something more, and boy, if he could just scream at himself for calling it a “crush”, he would be deaf by now. That term is so cheesy for his liking. 

This whole situation is so cheesy for his liking, if only he could stop his heart from getting caught up in his throat every time he’s with Kuroo he would have probably done it, but whenever he tries, he feels so unmotivated to do so, so after a lot of battling inside his own mind, he lets it go.

“How’s your exam?” Kuroo asks, laying on the floor of his bedroom. It feels rude to daydream about the boy when he’s right there, but Kenma has gotten used to it by now. 

Oh, and one more thing? They developed this kind of friendship that makes it okay for Kuroo to spend time in his room pretty quickly. At first, he wasn’t really into it, since he hasn’t had anyone this close before but when it’s with Kuroo there’s no such thing as too soon, and who is he to decline that. 

He turns his chair around looking at the boy playing with his pillow, making him groan, “Kuro, I told you not to play with my pillows! That will smell like you until next week” he rolls his eyes, pretending that it bothers him, well if you look at it, it really does bother him, but not in the way you may think, that’s why he doesn’t let Kuroo sit on his bed. 

It’s like being with Kuroo even when Kuroo’s not around. 

It makes him a little crazy if he has to put it in some type of way. 

“Come on, I smell great, you should be thankful” Kuroo laughs, tossing the pillow around with his slender fingers that Kenma couldn’t ignore. 

_Yeah, you do, that’s the problem._

“Just drop it” He furrowed his eyebrows, making Kuroo sigh before tossing the pillow back to his bed and rolling over to look at Kenma properly. 

“So,” Kuroo dragged, “How was Chem?” 

Kenma groans, flailing his arms around, “I could have gotten better results if you didn’t pester me the night before the exam” 

“Oh come on, we watched a movie, big deal” Kuroo rolls his eyes before standing up and making his way towards Kenma, “Let me see it” He smirks, towering over Kenma. 

Kenma swallows hard before avoiding eye contact, Kuroo is too close for him to be fine. “No,” he said firmly. 

“Where is it? Let me see, I’m pretty sure it’s not that bad” Kuroo pressed on but Kenma wouldn’t budge, shaking his head firmly, that’s when Kuroo took it upon him to open drawers in search for Kenma’s test papers. 

“Where the hell could it-” Kuroo was about to complain before he saw Kenma looking at one of the drawers beside his computer. He smirks, running towards it, beating Kenma in the process since he’s nearer and he has longer limbs. 

“Kuro!” Kenma almost screams, when Kuroo got a hold of his embarrassing exam results. Kuroo smirks, raising it up above his head, making it hard for Kenma to reach. If it weren’t for the situation, Kenma would have lost it with the way their bodies are pressing against each other and with the way their hands are almost touching, but the thought of Kuroo seeing his lowest mark so far, is ruining the moment.

Kuroo opens the paper from its fold above his head, reading the results before bursting into laughter. Kenma slouches, giving up on trying since Kuroo already saw it. “Thirteen? Did you get thirteen? I was completely wrong from earlier, it is bad. Come on now.” Kuroo chuckles, sitting on the bed, and reading the rest of the exam. 

Kenma is not one to get bad grades but ever since Kuroo entered his life, he couldn’t seem to focus. 

“I was distracted okay?” Kenma admitted, sitting back on his desk and turning around, ignoring the guy hollering behind him. 

Kuroo gasped, “Distracted? By what?” 

Kenma ignored him once more, trying to read his homework that he was peacefully doing from earlier. 

“Do you by chance,’ Kuroo started, walking towards Kenma, spinning his chair around so that they will be looking at each other, too close to handle, their breaths almost matching as he leans down to be in Kenma’s eye level, “You got yourself a crush” 

Kenma holds his breath in, but before he knows it he was already as red as their jerseys. 

“See, I knew it, you’re blushing” Kuroo smirks, pulling back and crossing arms on his chest. “Who is it huh?” He teased, poking Kenma’s side. 

“There’s no one, you’re such a child sometimes” Kenma tries to divert his eyes, biting the inner sides of his cheeks. 

“Doesn’t seem like it” Kuroo titled his head to the side, observing his friend. It’s unhealthy how much he enjoys teasing Kenma. “Why are you blushing then?” 

“I am not!” Kenma whines, “I’m getting red because you’re annoying,” He said before standing up and pulling Kuroo’s wrist towards the door. Faintly feeling Kuroo’s pulse agaisnt his hand.

“You can go home now,” He said annoyed, waving Kuroo goodbye. 

Kuroo laughs, “I was just kidding!” 

“I was just kidding” Kenma repeated in a mocking voice, “You’re annoying me, go home and maybe take a bath, you stink” 

Kuroo clutches his chest upon hearing that, faking hurt, before he saw Kenma’s mom walk in the hallway outside Kenma’s room, laundry basket in hand. Kuroo then made his way towards her, putting the basket aside and giving her a warm hug. 

Kenma groans, this is so irritating.

“He’s trying to kick me out, again” Kuroo exclaimed dramatically, pointing towards Kenma.

He knows his mom wouldn’t take his side in this, because ever since the two met, they look like mother and son who just reunited, Kenma swears that if given a chance to save someone from a fire, his mom would save Kuroo in a heartbeat, that’s how bad this situation got. 

She even cooks Kuroo’s favorite dish for dinner sometimes when Kuroo comes over after training.

According to her, she should be nice to her son’s only friend and that Kuroo is so charming that she couldn’t get mad at him. 

“And he said I stink, would you believe that?” Kuroo continues, making his mom gasp. 

“He said that? Kenma! Don’t be rude to our guest” She said shaking her head, Kuroo making a face beside her. 

That’s it, he’s over this, he still has a lot of work to do, he thought before slamming the door behind him but not without hearing Kuroo’s laugh once more. 

“I’m going home! See you tomorrow” Kuroo called back before Kenma heard the front door close, he immediately makes his way towards his window, seeing Kuroo’s back retreating from their house. Even acting annoyed is tiring him, but he just doesn’t know how to act when the most important people in your life are getting along so well.

It’s makes his brain go on scenarios that is just too far-fetched.

He sighs, this is his life now, not that he's complaining or anything.

* * *

He couldn’t feel his thighs and his shoulder as he couldn’t seem to move. It is almost thirty minutes after their training ended and some of them already went home but Kenma is still at the gym sitting by the floor, trying not to move. Kuroo’s head heavy on his left shoulder and his thighs aching from all the jumping they did from earlier.

This is really taking a toll on his body.

But besides from his sore body, it’s really hard for him to ignore how Kuroo’s soft hair is grazing his cheeks right now and the shampoo that Kuroo uses smells like faint lavender, totally opposite of what Kuroo seems to be like.

He looks down to see Kuroo with his eyes shut and his mouth agape, they were supposed to just take a break but Kuroo fell asleep on his shoulder and now he doesn’t know what else to do. Like a kitten resting on him, Kenma doesn’t want to wake up Kuroo.

He just, he looks too peaceful sleeping like that.

He sighs, Kuroo ‘s head really is heavy, but his heart doesn’t seem to mind as he could almost hear his own heartbeat.

Panicked and too happy for his own good.

After admitting to himself that what he feels for Kuroo isn’t just something he could brush off, every little thing from the other guy makes him giddy.

Kuroo moved his head a little, snuggling even closer in the nook of Kenma’s neck, driving Kenma towards the edge. His breath tickling Kenma, making him shiver a little. Kenma raises his hand to brush off Kuroo’s hair that is blocking his eyes before he hear someone holler, his hand stopping mid air.

“Kuroo!” Yaku called, making Kuroo jolt from his sleep, opening his eyes and adjusting his gaze, seeing Kenma’s hand in front of his eyes.

Almost touching but never really.

“Let that poor boy go! He looks like he’s been held captive” Yaku laughs, making his way towards them.

Kuroo pulled away, stretching his arms over his head, “What time is it?” his voice groggy from sleep.

“Time to go home apparently” Kenma answered, standing up to collect his things before walking towards the exit, meeting Yaku in the middle of the gym, before he turns back. “I’m going home first” and with that he turns around to make his way home.

Speeding up his steps as he doesn’t want Kuroo to catch up on him, his heart has reached its limits today and he doesn’t think he could handle more of it. He’s afraid that even just another second with Kuroo he’ll break his façade.

He’s afraid he’ll burst and he wouldn’t try to stop it.

* * *

****January 12, 2011** **

“Kenma” Kuroo called, throwing a piece of paper at him. Kenma breathes in, adjusting the lamp on his desk so that he would see what he’s writing more clearly. 

“Kenma” Kuroo repeated this time in a different tone from before, as if he’s playing characters, throwing another piece of paper and successfully landing it on Kenma’s hair.

Kuroo whines, “Kenma,” he said once again, being completely ignored by his friend. 

“Ken-” 

“What?” Kenma asks, annoyed at how he has to take care of this big baby. He looks back to see Kuroo, laying on his bed upside down, his head hanging from the edge of it with a ball of paper at hand. After several tries, Kenma doesn’t even have the energy to scold Kuroo from laying on his bed anymore, so he’ll just have to deal with the faint Kuroo smell at night and hopes he’ll be able to get even a wink of sleep.

Kuroo’s lips form a straight line, “Hi” 

Kenma groans, “You’re so annoying,” he said before turning back to what he was doing. 

“I’m so bored” 

“Then get out of here” Kenma fired back. 

“Why can’t we just go for a walk or something, this is killing me” 

“You’re killing me” Kenma answered, writing his answer on the paper in front of him.

“Come on it will be fun, I heard there’s an open night market nearby just for this month, we should go” Kuroo suggested, sitting up straight before throwing his last paper at Kenma, hitting Kenma at the back of his head. 

Kenma looks at the clock above him. 

**8:09 pm**

He sighs, maybe he could spare some time since he’s almost done anyway. “Takoyaki’s on you tonight” He groans before grabbing his keys since he might get locked out if he stays out too late. 

Kuroo smiles, putting his arm around Kenma and messing his hair, “I knew you wouldn’t be able to say no to my pretty face” 

Kenma elbows his stomach making him bend, “Yeah right, I just want you to shut the hell up” 

“Oh, you’re so sweet” With that, Kuroo tighten his hug, even more, squeezing Kenma who looks like he would murder him in any second now. 

* * *

The different colored lanterns that are hanged above the people that are walking side by side, makes Kenma feel at ease, he doesn’t regret going out at this time as much as he thought he would. The night air is a little bit chilly, making him hug his figure tighter. His chocobanana in his other hand, half-eaten as they seat somewhere near the market, overlooking the people. Unfortunately, there is no Takoyaki available when they were looking for it so he just settles with the chocobanana they had.

“Told you it was going to be worth it” 

Kenma huffs, not that he would ever admit that, so he said the opposite of what he’s really feeling, “Yeah right, what part of this is worth it?” 

Kuroo chuckles, taking a bite of his own snack before hearing Kenma speak once again, “You are always telling me that I don’t have any friends, but it looks like you’re the one who doesn’t have any, seeing how you always clings to me” Kenma smirks, taking another bite of his food. 

“You’re just my favorite,” Kuroo said earnestly, scaring Kenma a little as he almost gasped. “But don’t tell the other’s that” Kuroo snickers, a little fog forming from the warmth of his lips, that Kenma tried to avoid looking at, at all cost. 

“Pfft, well you’re not my favorite, so suck it” Kenma sticks his tongue out, getting embarrassed as soon as those words left his mouth. 

How cheesy could he get?

“Who then?”

“Lev” Kenma answered making them both burst out to laughter, he couldn’t even commit to saying it without cringing. He doesn’t hate Lev, and he really cares for him as a teammate and as a friend, there is just something about the boy that annoys him sometimes. Maybe it’s Lev’s freakishly tall height for no reason at all, he could only guess.

“Okay, I’ll try to believe that” Kuroo stated, finishing off his food, not even bothering on swallowing it before speaking, “But seriously,” he said, having a hard time swallowing everything before turning towards Kenma, “You are a great friend Kenma,” he said finally, catching Kenma’s gaze with his. 

Kenma’s heart skipped a beat for some unknown reason. Maybe it’s because of how Kuroo has this look in his eyes as he was telling him that, or because of how pretty he looks with the vibrant colors of lantern behind him, illuminating his figure. 

Or maybe because of the word Kenma wasn’t prepared to hear. 

A friend.

He looks down at the ground, drawing circles with his feet on the concrete, “You’re not so bad yourself, Tetsurou.”

“I know I can be a little bit annoying sometimes” Kuroo started once again when no one between them seems to have any other things to say

“Sometimes? A little?” 

Kuroo chuckles, shaking his head, “Okay most of the times, but I think that’s just my way of being happy around you” 

Kenma doesn’t seem to know what to do with his hands now that he finished his food so he just rubs them over his pants, on his thighs. “What do you mean?” He asks

“I mean, we haven’t known each other for that long but I don’t know” Kuroo tries to find the right words to say, “I guess I just really enjoy being with you” He looks up to meet Kenma’s eyes. 

To say that his heart fluttered right at that moment would be an understatement. 

Kenma beams, “I would say the same but you really are annoying” he jokes, earning a laugh or two from the both of them. 

Kuroo reaches out, his hand finding its way on Kenma’s hair once again, something that Kenma has gotten used to, sometimes even long for.

“Oh please, I know you love me” Kuroo chuckles.

Kenma knows that what Kuroo meant was nothing like how he truly feels but he still finds it hard to breathe.

_Yeah, yeah I do._

* * *

****February 03, 2011** **

“What should we do on Valentine’s day?” Kuroo asks, making Kenma look down from his book towards Kuroo who’s laying his head on Kenma's thighs. 

“I don’t know about you but I’m sleeping for sure, and I am not taking any disturbances” Kenma answers, going back to the book that he has to read as a requirement for his class. 

Kuroo sighs, shifting his weight so that he wouldn’t be crashing Kenma in the wrong places “That’s boring, let’s go do something fun” 

“I don’t want to,” Kenma said sternly, not even trying to look away from what he’s reading. 

Kuroo huffs, “If you have places to be, you don’t have to lie, just say it,” he says as he wiggles his eyebrows teasingly at Kenma who closed the book that he was reading, just to look back at him. 

“Yeah right” Kenma snickers, rolling his eyes. 

“Be honest, you have a date, huh?” Kuroo smirks, he knows how fired up Kenma gets when he mentions this kind of thing. 

“Fuck off,” Kenma said, opening the book once more but not on the page that he was reading it, he’s too flustered to even care. He just needs something to look at away from Kuroo’s gaze. 

If he looks long enough, he’s afraid that he might spill some things he intends to take to his grave. 

Kuroo snatches his book away, putting it aside before sitting right up, their faces too close for Kenma to even attempt to breathe out. “Didn’t you have a little crush a few months ago? What happened to that?”

_I’m talking to him right now and he seems clueless as ever._

“I didn’t, you assumed that on your own” 

Kuroo tilted his head to the side, “Whatever, all I’m saying is maybe you should try to lower down your walls and actually like someone. I swear it’s fun” Kuroo smiles, genuinely, before scooching a little towards the back so that he’s not all over Kenma’s face. 

“What walls?” Kenma raises an eyebrow, waiting for Kuroo to elaborate. 

Kuroo sighs, “There’s nothing wrong with being reserved, I mean, you do you, but all I’m saying is, you should also try to meet other people and along the way maybe you’ll find someone you like” 

_My walls are long gone, Kuro._

“I don’t want to” 

“You’re saying that now but when that day comes and you actually like someone, you’ll realize what it does to a person. We may not even see each other as often by then because of how busy you are going to get with that person” Kuroo pouts slightly, giving Kenma the urge to pinch his cheeks. 

“Not a chance, I think you are more than enough to be my pain in the ass for this lifetime” 

“As it should” Kuroo chuckles, crossing his arms over his chest before continuing, “But just promise me one thing?” He raises his right eyebrow. 

Kenma hums, encouraging him to carry on. 

“Don’t you dare forget about me when that day comes and tell me immediately when that person is hurting you in some way, or if they are not giving you back the love that you are providing because you are an amazing person and I have to see if they are worthy to be with you and all that, you know?” Kuroo rambles, not being able to stop the words spilling from his mouth. 

Kenma shakes his head, looking down at his palms, “You’re an idiot”

* * *

****June 9, 2011** **

Kenma sighs, he must really like Kuroo for him to be here right now with the sun almost scorching his skin. This is the last weekend before summer ends and Kuroo invited him to the nearest oceanfront because apparently, he was playing against his friends from Fukurodani, he even invited Kenma to play with them but he refused. He really wants to reserve his energy for his upcoming sophomore year, and Kuroo didn’t insist after that, this is not an official game of Nekoma anyways. 

And Kenma doesn’t think that he would be able to focus if he’s really honest. These days, the weight of his growing infatuation for Kuroo is getting heavier and heavier by the second. His mind is in semi-permanent chaos until he gathers the courage to finally admit what he’s feeling. 

He could feel the cold material of the bleacher he was sitting on as he watches Kuroo warm up by the left side of the court alone with Yaku and Lev since the others are now done with the warm-up. This is his first time watching his teammates play from outside the court and he feels really excited, plus, he would be able to assess them and maybe give them some notes later on about the things that they could improve on. 

It’s not long before the game started and he has to say, this is really entertaining, especially seeing Kuroo play war of nerves with the Fukurodani’s ace, Bokuto. Even though this is not an official game, the players look really heated and every really plays so good but Kenma couldn’t take his eyes away from Kuroo. 

He looks so good, playing what he loves most, and Kenma knows that. He knows how much Kuroo loves playing volleyball, maybe even more than anyone else here, and damn he looks good doing it. 

Even the way he sweats looks attractive but maybe it’s just Kenma being blinded by his infatuation, that, he doesn’t know for sure.

His mind seems to wander on the what-ifs that he has, ever since he met Kuroo as he continues to watch the game. 

What if he just told him?

Would it really ruin things? 

Is that taking it too far?

He can’t help but search for answers he doesn’t know he would even get, but in contrast, not saying anything at all is also killing him on the inside. It’s really hard for him to keep things from one of the most important people in his life right now and it is suffocating him. 

Maybe there is nothing wrong with just admitting how much you like someone and not expecting anything in return, right? 

Because maybe he would be okay with just saying it out loud even if Kuroo wouldn’t reciprocate anything. 

Is he being too selfish?

Is he asking for too much?

All these questions run inside his head and he doesn’t know where he’s more afraid of, afraid that he would ruin probably the best thing that happened in his life so far, or afraid that if he continues to ignore all of these, he would just explode one day. 

Or worse he’ll drown in his own thoughts that it will paralyze him. 

None of those things seem ideal for him, so really it’s just a matter of perspective. 

Is he willing to lose his friend? Or is he willing to lose himself? That’s the question that he really needs to ask. 

He looks towards where Kuroo is once again, observing his every move before an opening presents itself in front of Kuroo’s eyes before he spikes the ball towards the other side of the net, and after he does that his eyes voluntarily search the crowd, meeting Kenma’s before he beams proudly of what he has done, spreading warmth towards Kenma’s heart.

The amount of happiness he gets when Kuroo looks at him like that, like he just won the entire world, is incomparable with all the good things in this lifetime, and Kenma wouldn’t trade that for the world.

And Kenma is not the type to be feeling things for simple gestures, he knew that for sure, but here he is with one simple smile he’s more than ready to take the leap towards uncertainty, and it’s like a click in his brain that registered in his system. 

That’s it. 

That’s all he needs to be sure of himself to convince his mind to tell Kuroo everything after this match ends. 

It doesn’t matter what happens and it doesn’t matter if he’s being selfish. 

He has to say it, he’s going to say it. 

His brain wouldn’t even catch up on the things that he was worried about earlier as he could only focus on the words that he would say to Kuroo.

_I like you, and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same because I like you, Kuroo, and that’s all there is._

Before he knows it, the match is already over, and as he hoped for Nekoma won with only a few points in the lead. He immediately ran towards Kuroo to congratulate them with a little too much enthusiasm from his side. 

Kuroo smiled the moment their eyes met, the people from the bleaches are now getting out of their seats, making it a little challenging for Kenma to reach his destination. Kuroo opens his arms for Kenma to run into and with no doubt Kenma took him in a tight embrace, ignoring the sweat that comes with it. 

“Congratulations,” Kenma said, beaming to Kuroo before doing the same to his other teammates. “You guys did well,” he said. 

“So where are we going to eat? I’m starving” Kuroo said, finally letting go of Kenma, tapping Kenma by the shoulders. 

“Where do you want to go?” Kenma asks, it doesn’t really matter where they go as long as he’s with Kuroo and that he’ll have the courage to say the things that he wants to say then it’s fine. 

This is it, maybe this time he could say it, what is there to be afraid of anyway?

“Lev! You improved a lot. Congratulations!” someone exclaimed, catching the attention of almost t everyone standing near. It’s not just because the voice is very lovely but the person looks really lovely too. 

“What are you doing here?’ Lev asks, taking her in a warm embrace. 

“I visited a friend around here and I remembered mom telling me that you have a game around the area and wow, you really did great, I’m really proud of you,” She said smiling at him, judging by the way she looks, she’s probably Lev’s older sister that he has been talking about. 

She ruffles Lev’s sweaty hair, making Lev blush from embarrassment. 

“Alisa come on, I’m not a kid” 

“Yes you are, what are you talking about?”

Lev sighs, looking around sheepishly, “People are looking, stop it” 

“Let them look and if you introduced me earlier then maybe you wouldn’t be this embarrassed”

Lev rolls his eyes before turning to everyone who’s looking, mostly their teammates. “Guys this is my older sister, Alisa. Alisa, here’s everyone” Lev introduced forcefully. 

Kenma looks down at the ground, he’s still not used to being introduced to new people but he was forced to look up when he heard someone speak, he looks beside him and the boy who invited him here is already gone, just like that.

“Hi, I’m Kuroo Tetsurou, nice to meet you” Kuroo smiles, extending his hands for her to shake. 

* * *

****September 24, 2011** **

****

“Do you think she’ll like it?” Kuroo asks, pinching the fluffy pillow that looks like a tabby cat, wiggling it in front of Kenma.

“I don’t know”

“I mean, is it too cheesy? I don’t want to come off as a dork” Kuroo scrambles, tripping over his words as he overthinks everything that he’s doing, his palms getting sweaty in each minute.

“Well I have some news for you buddy” Kenma rolls his eyes, pressing a pillow on his face. Will this just end, already?

Kuroo whines, “Kenma! I need your help”

Kenma groans, throwing the pillow towards Kuroo who didn’t have enough time to dodge it, “Just give it to her, it doesn’t really matter.”

Kuroo sighs, plopping on the bed next to him, “You could be a little more supportive, you know” he jokes, but Kenma doesn’t seem to take it lightly as he sits on his bed, looking down at Kuroo.

“Well, what do you want me to say? Yes, Kuroo, she’ll like it, now get off of my nerves” Kenma said wholeheartedly, looking away from the intense gaze from Kuroo.

“Damn, someone woke up from the wrong side of the bed” Kuroo chuckles, combing his hair back a little.

“Just give that to her” Kenma said quietly, looking down on his sheets. “I’m sure she’ll like it”

Kuroo nodded, smiling gently at him before he bids his goodbye, leaving Kenma quiet once again.

Quiet but not exactly peaceful.

If he’s the one who’s going to receive that it will be too cheesy for him anyways.

* * *

“Dear, I think Kuroo left something from earlier, I told him to just go up to your room but he said he didn’t want to disturb you” His mom called from the next room, “It’s on the kitchen counter” she said finally as Kenma walks towards their kitchen, seeing the familiar fluffiness from earlier. It’s already nine pm and by the looks of it, earlier didn’t go well for Kuroo as well. 

After Kuroo left earlier, Kenma spent most of his day just staring blankly at his wall. All the time he spent silently judging other people from being too affected by a relationship suddenly comes rushing towards him. 

So this is what it feels like? 

Not feeling enough?

Not feeling right? 

He’s not even in a romantic relationship with Kuroo and this is how he’s acting, how else if this was something more. Maybe it’s right to not tell Kuroo on that day. Maybe it’s just right that he kept his mouth shut. 

Keeping all the thing he wants to say, bottled in, as it should. 

He sighs, pushing his hand over the tabby cat pillow that Kuroo got for Alisa. It feels wrong to receive something that is meant for someone else, he feels so pathetic, waiting for rejects to come his way. 

Above the pillow is a note. 

**__ **

**_**“She’s not really a fan of this type of things”**_** Written in Kuroo’s messy handwriting. He reads the note again and again until it registers in his brain. 

He couldn’t help but think that if he’s the one to receive this or anything from Kuroo, he would have accepted it in a heartbeat, even though he despises these types of things. 

But what’s lacking is, he’s not on the receiving end, it’s like both of them are standing on different sides of the earth, no place to meet, no chance to touch.

He glares at the pillow, punching it, before taking it back to his room. 

_“Maybe it’s not too cheesy for him anyway.”_ he thought as he settles the pillow down on his bed, plopping next to it.

* * *

****May 03, 2012** **

“She rejected you for how many times now?” Yaku snickers, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Shut up” Kuroo rolls his eyes, looking towards the table, playing with his spoon.

“That’s probably the fifth time already” Lev chuckles, shaking his head. It has been known for the whole team, maybe even the whole school of Kuroo’s not-so-subtle infatuation with Lev’s older sister.

“Dude, come on, she’s too good for you” Yamamoto teased, earning a spoon on the head in return.

“This douche is right” Yaku informs, pointing at Yamamoto, rubbing salt in Kuroo’s wounds, it’s not every day they see this kind of weakness from Kuroo. “If she’s not the one for you, she’s not the one, simple as that. Find someone else, someone whom you won't need to convince this hard, right Kenma?” Yaku finishes, tapping Kenma by the shoulder.

Every eyes on Kenma, making him anxious and deeply uncomfortable. When did his opinion matter this much?

He bites the inner side of his cheeks, “I don’t know” he whispers, “But if he really likes her, why won’t he go after her? Even if it takes so much more than he’s willing to give.” He finishes, drinking from his fruit punch.

What he said almost gave him the shudders, he’s really out here giving this kind of advice when he himself has been stuck in this one-sided parade in years now.

He’s not the one to talk when he remains a coward all along.

But to him it’s different, it’s not like Kuroo crushing on Alisa where nothing’s at stake, with him and Kuroo everything's in jeopardy.

He might lose his world.

“Damn, Kenma, you’ve got some balls,” Yamamoto said, breaking the eerie silence that came after Kenma’s last sentence.

“You know what? I think he’s right, it’s not over until it’s over” Kuroo suddenly said, taking everyone by surprise. The sudden shift in his mood is evident.

In a brief moment, Kenma’s eyes met Kuroo’s, and that all he really needs to know that what he said was the right thing to say.

“So what’s your plan hot stuff” Lev rolls his eyes, this is the only area on which he could give some attitude to Kuroo since it’s his sister that they are talking about.

“I haven’t gotten into that part yet, I‘ve tried a lot but she doesn’t seem into anything like those at all ” Kuroo admitted, deflating on self-doubt once again.

“Why don’t you try just being aggressive, let her know what you want and that you’ll never stop until you get it,” Yamamoto suggested, taking a bite of his food.

“I am not like you Taketora” Kuroo laughs, “And she’s not the one to take anyone’s aggressiveness”

“That’s true” Lev nodded in agreement.

"That's one thing I like about her," Kuroo said dreamingly, making everyone in the radius curl their toes with the cringe.

“So what does she like?” Kuroo openly ponders when no one wants to follow what he just said, opening another moment of silence between him and his friends, with most of them thinking of ways to get this over with and to make Kuroo shut up about this.

“Write her a letter, some girls like that” Noboyuki said, heads turning towards his direction.

“I haven't tried that, maybe it’s worth the shot?” Kuroo answered, unsure of whether this is a good idea.

“Yeah right, you might be smart when it comes to science and shit but writing a letter requires some creativity, Tetsurou” Yaku chuckles, there’s no way in hell Kuroo would make it with letters he write by himself.

“Ouch,” Kuroo said dramatically, “So what do you suggest? I plagiarize some shit online?” he said, raising his eyebrows.

“That is not what I said, but maybe there’s someone who can do that for you-’ Yaku wasn’t even done talking when all eyes find their way towards the young blonde sitting by the far corner of the table.

“What?” Kenma asks, annoyed how they all look like cats with eyes glowing.

* * *

_Dear Alisa,_

Kenma looks down at the paper in front of him, he was forced to use his own paper when Kuroo gave him some scented ones, if he’s going to use those then forget about it, that is so fucking cheesy, even for Kuroo. 

He sighs, does he really need to do this? 

Sometimes he wonders how far he could take this, and this is it, this is the end of the line. It’s not like he didn’t refuse, a couple of times at that, but Kuroo can be really persistent if he wants to, and this is not an exemption. 

Maybe he did something awful from his past but he just found himself writing the letter anyway. Along with the heaviness that this brings, is his guilt. 

He feels like he’s doing something wrong to Alisa, writing for someone else. 

He took a deep breath, this is going to be the last time that he’s doing this, so he better get this over with quickly. 

He tries not to overthink anything as his pen glides smoothly on the paper, completely suspicious if you ask him, Kuroo’s handwriting is nowhere near being this neat, but whatever he’s just going to do what he was asked to. 

_Dear Alisa,_

_I love the way the moon favors you, blessing you with all its glory, making you even more beautiful. I don’t know if it's okay to say this, but it will be a shame if I won't, so here it is, It scares me of how much you make me happy and how much you make me want to be a better person in every day. So if it’s too much to ask for a chance then I’m sorry for I have been greedy._

_Maybe I have gotten used to looking from afar but the need to get closer is getting too much for me to bear. So if you’ll let me, I would gladly take the chance._

_\- Kuroo_

Kenma sighs, looking at the words he just wrote, it was short, to say the least because he doesn’t know what else to say to someone living the life that could have been his. 

If he’s being really honest, his mind drifted onto something else while writing those words, his heart longs for the only person that really is in full control of his judgments. 

It was Kuroo, of course, it is, it always has been.

* * *

Kenma shifted his weight on his left side now that he just finished his remaining assignments. He was about to open his phone when he heard a small tap on his window, thinking that it was nothing, he ignored it, rolling over to a more comfortable position. After a couple of minutes, he heard it again, making him groan.

He stands up, making his way towards his window, only to see Kuroo smiling at him, motioning for him to come down, he rolled his eyes but of course like he always does he took his keys and his wallet before going outside to meet his friend.

“What do you want now?” He scowls as soon as he made it in front of Kuroo.

Kuroo’s jaw dropped, pretending he’s shocked by how Kenma treats him. “Nothing, is that what you think of me?”

“Yes,” He answered without thinking much about it, if he’s not going to have the opportunity to say to Kuroo everything then he could at least try to be bold and honest on the other things that he could say.

Kuroo chuckles, completely ignoring his remarks, “Let’s go for a walk”

“A walk?” He repeated, “To where?”

“I don’t know, around the block?” Kuroo said sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.

“Wow classy” Kenma snickers, but he was the one to take the first step anyway.

“I just feel like, we haven't been spending enough time together lately and to be honest I kinda miss it” Kuroo confessed.

Kenma didn’t answer, instead, he just went on his way, there’s nothing to say anyway. After a couple of minutes of walking, they arrived at the nearest park, there are only a few people walking around considering how late it is at the night. Kuroo took a seat on one of the swingsets, with Kenma following close behind, sitting on the one next to his.

Kuroo breathes out, forming a thin layer of fog with his breath, “So I read the letter” he said quietly, not wanting to be too loud since it's just the two of us.

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t know you were good at it”

“Come on, it’s not that good, it was too short” Kenma answered, cringing as he remembers what he wrote in there.

“But I guess there’s a lot of things, I still don’t know about you,” Kuroo said in all seriousness.

Kenma stops the motion of his swing, looking beside him towards Kuroo who is already looking at him. “I guess you do”

“Well we’ve got time”

Kenma nodded, his nerves starting to get wild and the chilliness of the night is not helping, at all.

“Thank you”

Kenma’s heart almost popped out of his chest as soon as he heard those words. There’s just something with how Kuroo said it that makes him want to hug the guy,

“For what?”

“For just,” Kuroo started drawing circles on the sand below him, “You know, for being the greatest”

“You’re welcome” Kenma smiles back, maybe he really is just stupid with this kind of thing but that enough for him to be okay with the situation.

That’s enough to sustain his longings, for now.

“So are you sure that you don’t have anyone that you like?”

Kenma swallows the lump growing in his throat, his hands getting sweatier by the minute. “Not that I know of” he decided to lie once again, like how he did in the past couple of years, even though he knows that he would regret not taking this open chance in the future.

Kuroo nods gently, turning his attention to the distant cars that are parked in front of other people’s houses. “You know they opened this new arcade downtown, maybe you want to visit sometimes?” Kuroo suggested out of the blue, remembering what he saw yesterday. “I thought you might like to go, maybe we could visit on your birthday or something” Kuroo said, samiling gently at Kenma who’s too busy looking at the night sky.

Kenma looks towards Kuroo before answering, “Sure” he smiled back, getting really excited even though his birthday is not until a couple more months. He couldn’t wait to spend that day wiht the guy he likes, his cheeks almost ripping apart as he observes how good Kuroo looks, even at this time of the day. For most people street lamps are known to be unflattering but to Kuroo it’s something that makes him even more charming, Kenma doesn’t know if that is still making sense, but it made him think as he grips the chains of the swing.

For Kenma, Kuroo could make every situation look beautiful.

How could he not fall?

* * *

****October 16, 2012** **

****

Kenma folded the paper in front of him, making sure to fold it as neatly as he could. He has gotten used to making letters now, he doesn’t even say that this would be the last that he would do so anymore because he knows that Kuroo would be by his door next week asking him to write one more.

To make him feel any better, he uses this opportunity to write all the things he couldn’t say to Kuroo, with just some details different so that no one would ever know, and to be honest that made him feel better. Sometimes it would even push him to write two pages long because one is apparently not enough to say what he really feels.

For once, he was being honest, just not to the right person.

He looks up at the clock, seeing that he only has ten minutes before the time where he and Kuroo decided to meet. He doesn’t really know where they’ll go but seeing how it’s his birthday he figured that Kuroo might just ask him to go eat somewhere or to go out for a walk like they always do on his birthdays.

He took the letter, sliding it carefully to his pocket, tapping on his cat pillow before heading outside. It didn’t take him long before he was already in the place Kuroo said, right on time. As soon as he walks inside the room he saw some familiar faces, arranging things here and there.

“Kenma,” Yaku said, pulling him aside, “Help me arrange these letters, we only got a few minutes before they arrive”

“Wait,” He said, stopping dead on his tracks before looking around the room. “What is happening?”

“Oh, he didn’t tell you?” Yaku raises one eyebrow before continuing, “He asks us to help him arrange this surprise for Alisa, apparently today is the day that he would shoot his last shot, though, I doubt that. I told him that this is his peak cheesiness and he didn’t listen so I guess we’ll find out if this will work” Yaku rambles, before hurrying up to do the letters himself.

Kenma wants to laugh.

He wants to laugh out loud, what was he thinking? Assuming things.

He wants to laugh so loud that everyone would hear how disgusted he is with himself right now, he feels so pathetic remembering how excited he got when Kuroo told him about this,

This is another level of low for him, at least before he respected himself enough to not feel this much when something like this happens, but now he’s feeling everything.

Everything he gathered and stored.

He couldn’t even cry because he did this all to himself, and there’s no one he could blame. He was used because he lets it, only now does he realize that.

He feels his own warm breath leaving his mouth as he chuckles, feeling a little insane is the only thing he could do right now. He got a couple of looks from here and there but he couldn’t care less as he made his way towards some of the balloons and arrange it in a pretty way since this might be the last time he would do so. He helped to the things that are still lacking and before he knew it, Kuroo is now in front of him, with his hands covering Alisa’s eyes and a stupid grin plastered in his face, and that’s all it took for Kenma to slowly detach himself from the group and quietly leave the place, hoping that nobody would notice because he couldn’t answer any questions right now without sounding bitter and pissed at everything.

But of course, luck is not on his side, as he felt strong hands gripping his forearm, a couple seconds? minutes? Or hours? after he decided to walk around the neighborhood without a destination, he really couldn’t tell what time it is as he spaced out the moment he started walking.

“Kenma”

He didn’t even have to turn around to know who it is, “What are you doing here?” He asks finally facing Kuroo.

“Shouldn’t I ask the same thing?” Kuroo raises his eyebrow, looking around the neighborhood that is a few blocks away from theirs.

“What are you doing here?” Kenma repeated, ignoring Kuroo’s questions and the fingers that feel tighter around his arm. “Tell me you didn’t leave her with those shitheads” he rolled his eyes, Kuroo is so smart but damn he could be dumb as fuck sometimes.

Kuroo chuckles half-heartedly, “I didn’t I’m not that much of a douche, she left when she received an important call, so the surprise only lasted minutes”

Kenma didn’t reply, what does this get to do with him?

“So can you answer my question now?” Kuroo asks once again gently, pulling Kenma towards the sidewalk so they wouldn’t disturb anyone.

“I don’t know, okay?” Kenma answers, “Can’t I just have this time with myself? Can’t I do that?”

There was a moment that passed between them where they are just looking at each other, trying to read the other one, but failing to do so.

Kuroo sighs, “I’m sorry”

“What?”

“I’m sorry”

Kenma scowls, he has a feeling this wouldn’t end well, “Why?”

“Because it’s your birthday and-”

“So?” Kenma snaps, pulling his arm away from Kuroo’s grip.

“Isn’t that why you’re upset? Because I dragged you into this on your birthday and I kinda forgot?”

Kenma chuckles bitterly, his eyebrows almost meeting each other with the way he’s scowling, “Yes Kuroo, that’s why I’m upset because that’s how shallow I am” he spat, taking Kuroo by surprise.

When Kuroo didn’t say anything he took it as a sign to continue, “I’m upset because you fucking forgot my birthday, yeah, that’s it, not because I’m tired” like word vomit he couldn’t stop his mouth, making the small things, huge, like a snowball turning into an avalanche.

He shook his head, shutting his eyes shut trying to collect what’s left of him before continuing,

“I’m tired. I’m tired of this, I’m tired of you,” he said, hurting even himself in the process.

He didn’t mean that.

Not at all.

When he doesn’t know what to say after that, the words he has been holding on to slip out, “Because I love you, no," He paused for a moment thinking about it, "I loved you and I hate how pathetic I’m becoming that I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I hate how I just sit here and wait on my ass like that would change anything, like you would change your mind and spare me a glance if I just waste my life enough waiting for you. I hate how what’s becoming of us because you’re the most important thing that happened to me and I wouldn’t even be able to explain why but to you I am just a mere friend to do errands for you. I hate how little things from you or sometimes rejects feel enough for me.”

He didn’t even realize how loud he was speaking until he felt some glances towards them, but he doesn’t care, not today.

“I hate how I remember everything but I am just a passing thought to you.” He said a little quietly, getting more and more aware of the people around them who can’t ming their damn business. “I hate how it feels impossible to unlove you Kuroo, no matter how long it is, and no matter how bad the situation gets,” he said firmly before he reached out for the letter in his pocket, “Here, at least tell her that it wasn’t you who’s writing these, you at least owe her that” he muttered before pressing it against Kuroo’s chest, walking away without the energy to look back.

As he walks home, he could slowly feel the heaviness leave his chest, but he doesn’t know if it’s worth celebrating at all.

* * *

****December 09, 2012** **

The night breeze feels so light and peaceful as Kenma looks towards the sea, this is their last opportunity to camp together before the third year would leave the team because they would be too busy doing college things. It’s kinda sad to see them go but what else is there to do, plus, it’s not like they’re all leaving, for sure they would still spend their free time by the gym.

He buries his feet into the sand, wiggling his toes against the rough material grains.

“Take good care of the team,” Kuroo said beside him, smiling warmly, like what he does best, Kenma couldn’t help but smile back.

After that one afternoon they both tried to ignore whatever it is that might get between them and just enjoy the remaining time they get to spend with each other, and for that Kenma feels grateful.

Even though Kuroo might not reciprocate his feelings, Kuroo is still one of the most important people in his life, and like what he always say, he wouldn’t trade that for the world.

“I’ll try not to burn the house down” He chuckles, letting his body fall onto the sand behind him, Kuroo doing exactly the same beside him.

He puts his arms below his head, resting his neck on it and looking at the night sky from above that seems to like them, seeing how there’s an abundance of stars in it.

“Thank you, Kuro,” He said softly, turning his head towards the sides to look at Kuroo admiring the moon.

Kuroo hums, encouraging him to carry on with what he wants to say.

“Thank you for getting me into volleyball” He admits.

“What? Me? I didn’t force you didn’t I?” Kuroo chuckles, pushing his hair back.

“If it weren’t for my undying love for you,” Kenma started, too dramatic that it comes out as sarcastic. “I wouldn’t have stuck around”

“Right” Kuroo smirks, dragging the word to tease Kenma.

“And I’m sorry” Kenma wouldn’t be able to take it if he didn’t have the chance to say this to Kuroo. “For the things that I said back then, I didn’t mean any of those.” He confessed before he felt Kuroo’s arms pull him into a side embrace, sharing his warmth, making Kenma smile softly.

He hums, the scent that he has gotten used to, filled his nostrils.

“It’s fine, I knew you didn’t mean any of those. I’m the one who’s supposed to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry to have hurt you that much. I didn’t realize what I was doing”

Kenma breathes in once more, “Okay ew, when did we become such softies?” He said slowly pulling away from Kuroo and back to his own place.

His place that he realized now.

A friend.

A great friend at that.

“Where are you going for college?” Kuroo asks earnestly, though, this is not the first time he bugged Kenma about this.

“I don’t know yet, aren’t you the one who’s supposed to be deciding that” He chuckles.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right”

“No matter where it is, I know you’ll do good and I’m always going to be proud of you,” Kenma said, he’s not the one to say things like this either, but there are moments in life that you just can’t let go of.

Kuroo smiles, enjoying the night view and Kenma’s sweet words, “The night seems so pretty Kenma, like the first time we’ve met”

Kenma whips his head to look t Kuroo once again, “You remember that?”

Kuroo laughs, “Of course, newsflash I don’t forget everything that easily, plus, you cut the line in front of me you sly kid, how could I forget?”

“Okay, first of all, I didn’t cut the line, I was already in the line” Kenma explains, making Kuroo laugh even harder.

“I see nothing much has changed since then,” Kuroo sits up, crossing his legs and leaning his weight on his arms that are on the sand, “It still baffles me how we don’t even compare on how vast the outer space is, like the fact that we wouldn’t be able to discover anything more than what’s in our vicinity is wild, because compared to infinity that’s a lot,”

Like Deja Vu Kenma’s heart pounded a little faster, reminded of how he felt for Kuroo back then, but this time it’s his turn to say,

“We seem so small, Kuro”

* * *

****August 12, 2026** **

****

Kuroo grasps the box in his hands as he walks towards the very lit place. He smiles as the vibrant smell of flowers welcomes him. No matter how busy he got, he wouldn’t miss this for the world but that doesn’t mean that he’s not nervous, in fact, his palms are already sweaty. 

Familiar faces smile at him as he smiles back. 

“Kuroo! Darling! I’m really glad you made it” He turns around to see Kenma’s mother walking towards him. 

“Wow you clean up really nice” He smiled at her, bending down to kiss her on the cheek, making sure he wouldn’t wreck her makeup. 

“Not so bad yourself” She beams before pulling him, towards the main area where the event is mainly going to happen. 

To say that the place looks beautiful would be an understatement, seeing how gorgeous the light looks and the ambiance is something else, to be expected from Kenma. 

He sat in his rightful place, where his name was written in pretty letters. He puts the box on the seat next to him, seeing how the seat is empty, he would just get it later when the time comes. 

The music started playing, surprising him for a little before the event started going.

He smiles as he looks back, seeing the familiar goofy grin greet people. 

Kenma changed a lot, compared to before, and Kuroo couldn't ask for more.

If this was high school, Kenma would have looked into the ground by now, but right now he is holding tightly on his mother's arms as he walks down at isle, smiling at everyone he passes by, making Kuroo’s heart skip a beat. 

Kenma looks so good, not just because he cleans up after himself, or because of the lights, but because he looks happier than ever. HIs smile is wider, hiding his eyes with joy.

As Kenma approach the third lane where Kuroo was sitting, their eyes met and Kenma smiled even more. Kuroo almost waved but decided against it, realizing how dorky that looks, but he made sure to give a very reassuring smile.

You’re doing good, Kenma. 

After that, the other party entered the venue, with Kenma waiting at the front. He doesn’t know who the guy is exactly but he looks good, as good as what Kenma deserves. 

And he deserves the world. 

After all these years he realized that maybe in some ways, he loved Kenma too, maybe even more than just a mere friend, he was just confused and blind by then, but it’s too late to dwell in that now. Though he has regrets, he decided to be happy for Kenma, and that is exactly what he is going to do.

He looks towards the front where Kenma is standing, to see the latter not even spearing a glance at anyone else other than his partner, making Kuroo’s heart warm. 

That’s Kenma,

when he loves, he loves with his all. 

He knows.

He knows that feeling a little too well, he was once the one walking down the aisle. 

He tried not to chuckle, seeing tears form on the side of Kenma’s eyes. He couldn’t express how proud he is by now, and with that, the ceremony starts. 

And Kuroo couldn’t be happier for his best friend. 

* * *

“Congratulations” Kuroo smiles, opening his arms once again for Kenma that is already beaming at him.

“I’m glad you came,” Kenma said, excitedly, running into his arms, the familiar feeling of comfort embracing him.

“Of course” Kuroo smiled, before reaching to the box he was carrying all day, giving it to Kenma, “Here”

“You didn’t have to,” Kenma said, but still accepting it anyways.

Kuroo watch as Kenma, opens the box, his eyes widening as soon as he recognizes what’s inside. “Are these-” Kenma was about to ask before Kuroo unintentionally interrupted him.

“Those are the letters you wrote, I didn’t have the heart to send them before so I just kept them, I think now it’s time for you to give all those love to the right one” He explained, afraid that Kenma would think it sucks.

“Kuroo,” Kenma said, his voice breaking before he hugs Kuroo once again. “Thank you, I love it,” Kenma said, looking up at him, tears are threatening to come down from his eye once again.

Kuroo smiles, feeling his heart get full, “ I love you, I’m proud of you”

“I love you too” Kenma replied, knowing what it means to the both of them, maybe not in a way that is more than a friend but it sure is more than enough.

It didn’t take long before another pair of hands reached out for Kenma's, It’s time for the newlywed’s dance. Kuroo smiles, nodding his head as he lets go.

Watching Kenma, rest his head on his husband's shoulder, swaying on a gentle song, that sets Kuroo's heart at ease.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! :) Have a great day!
> 
> twt: @lameforkei or @offgunpointe


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